The Great Scare

So, today I went to visit a friend with Olive. We had a great time and Olive got to munch on some delicious teething biscuits. When she was finished, she was very fussy and seemed tired, so I quickly loaded up and started driving home. I had just left my friend's apartment complex when I heard strange sounds coming from the backseat. 


I looked in the rear-view mirror, which reflected her face off the mirror we have attached to the headrest. I saw my baby turning red, fighting to breathe. 


She was choking. Luckily, I was able to pull over right away into a gas station. My mind was racing and my blood was rushing so fast as I entered crisis mode. I threw the car in park and jumped out. After I pulled her door open, I could see the sheer panic on her sweet little face. No mother ever wants to see that look. 
I was already in tears and scrambling to unbuckle her harness before I even knew what I was going to do next. Then I remembered the article I recently read about what to do if your infant is choking. I had read it, just in case, since we had started solid foods. I was so angry with myself for never taking a CPR class. Why couldn't I have just taken the damn class?! I quickly held her facing forward on my arm and began slapping on her back, between her shoulder blades. At this point, she was coughing and drool was going everywhere. I could hear something was still caught in the back of her mouth, so I fished it out. It was a clump of regurgitated teething biscuit. I glanced around and saw a cop just happened to be pulling out of the gas station, so I flagged him down. I don't know what he was thinking when he saw me, baby in arm, tears streaming, and screaming "OFFICER!!" 
He promptly back up and rushed over to us. I wasn't really sure why I called him over, since at that point she wasn't choking anymore and was just crying. I think I just needed to know everything was going to be okay. He asked what happened and I stuttered, "She was choking, and I think she is okay, but I don't know, I'm not sure what...please, help" Poor little Olive just looked at him with bits of biscuit all over her face, covered in drool, and tears in her eyes. He said, "She seems alright now. Did she throw up?" I nodded and said I got the food out. He stayed for a few minutes to make sure we were calm, telling me he had five kids of his own, and that it's always scarier for the parents than for the kids when they choke. Olive eventually gave me a little smile. I finally felt like she was alright.  


So here I am, writing this while Olive sleeps, checking on her every now and then to make sure she is still breathing. I feel embarrassed, like if I was a better mom I could have prevented her from choking. If only I had given her something to drink after the stupid biscuit to make sure it all washed down. I'm lucky everything turned out fine, but I can't help but feel like I am to blame. This little life is dependent on me. She relies on me to make sure she is safe. The least I can do is make sure she swallows her food. 

Well, I messed up. But I was able to fix it thanks to this article I read a couple weeks ago. If you have kids, please take the time to educate yourself on what to do. You never know what can happen...


To find a CPR/First Aid class near you: 
http://www.redcross.org/en/takeaclass

Adventures of being a Dad

Tracey has invited me to Co-Author this blog with her.  We've discussed what that would entail and it will probably vary from post to post.  It might be point/counterpoint situation where we disagree on certain things or child raising philosophies (the evils of soda come to mind as one) or just things where I feel like I need to write to all the new working or stay at home Dad's out there.  Although, truth be told, Tracey would probably have the better perspective on the stay at homers.  This post will be of the latter nature.

I love Olive.  That needs to be said up front.  I would like to say that I never complain or that this blog won't contain complaints about parenthood.  I don't believe that you can be a parent and not have minor complaints about the situation.  You may be the happiest mommy or daddy on  the planet, but if you don't have some complaints about it, well you're either deluding yourself or very lucky.  Everyone knows the basics, the poop, the sleepless nights (and days for you SAH's).  

I have a complaint that I feel if I have, many Dad's have but don't know how to properly express.  Sometimes, I am lonely.  This is something that no one really prepares you for.  You go to birthing classes and it's focused on the actual birth  process and the short time after.  It's a crash course in how to keep your baby alive the first day/week/month.  There's a lot of thought given to mothers and postpartum depression.  There's a lot of thought given to keeping your baby warm and happy.  I think Dad's get the raw end of the deal here.  I don't want this to sound sanctimonious or ungrateful, but I see in writing it that it can come across that way.  

I'm so glad that I have a career and position that let's Tracey stay at home with our baby and raise her how we see fit.  She can stay at home and bond with Olive and it's beautiful.  Not many people can say they run an entire IT department before the age of 30, but i can and it affords us a life of certain luxuries.  We could live a life of leisure if Tracey were to work and Olive went to daycare.  Our combined income could easily be in the 6 figure range as good as Tracey was at her previous job.  We decided as a family though that we wanted her to be able to stay home and we'd make the necessary budget cuts to afford that luxury.Tracey couldn't be happier, Olive couldn't be happier and I love being able to provide for my family.  A lot of status in today's society is based on the stuff you have or the places you go.  We have chosen to value the quality of our family and in retrospect it is the best decision we ever made.

I wanted to say all of that so there is no confusion about my feeling on our current situation.  I'm not sure where the loneliness really comes from, but there are times when I feel like an outsider looking in.  People tell me that eventually she will become like my little shadow.  Most likely between the ages of 18 - 24 months, she will start never wanting to leave my side.  I can't tell you how much I'm looking forward to this.  At the moment Tracey and Olive have their own little world sometimes.  There have been times recently when I pick her up and she immediately looks around for Mommy and starts whining.  If I take her out of Mommy's arms, that's even worse.  No one really prepares you for these moments.  There are also moments when it becomes clear that in the great pecking order of life you have become number 2 to both your child and partner.  Those are the tough moments.  They are generally few and far between.  Look, I don't want you to think my wife is a horrible person or anything.  She's doing a wonderful job of being a mom and she has a lot on her plate.  I know she loves me and if I am number 2 on her list it's a very close 2.  She does her best to let me know that I am very loved and very appreciated.  That's not what this is about.  This is about those moments that punch you in the gut.

As a new dad, when I get those feelings, it helps me to take a step back from the situation and look at it objectively.  In the overall scheme of things, having a loving daughter and wife who are sometimes in their own little world isn't the worst situation ever.  I've found that outside social interaction really helps too.  For some people it may be going out with your drinking buddies or going to hang out with your friends in a physical setting (hockey game, bar, bowling  alley...).  For me, it's online games. It doesn't matter if it's a competitive game like Starcraft II or a more socially oriented game like World of Warcraft or Star Wars: The Old Republic.  In either case I have a group of friends whom I can identify by the sound of their voice but most of them I couldn't tell you a thing about what they look like.  Some people say these aren't real friends, but I heartily disagree.  One of these "not  real" friends has become one of my best life friends even though she has never lived in the same city as me and we're going to her wedding later this year.  There's also an added bonus that these interactions don't require me to leave my house or my family alone.  

My point of all of this is, to you dads who feel left out some times, It's OK and you're not alone.  From what I can tell, it happens to everyone. If you can find somewhere else to get the social interaction and support you need and that's acceptable to your family (i.e. no hookers) then go that route.  If it is killing you inside and you can't stand it, tell your partner.  Don't leave them in the dark and resent them.  Most likely they have no idea how you feel.  I know we dads aren't good at expressing our feeling, but sometimes just being blunt and saying what's on your mind can work wonders for your familial interactions.  If you're feeling left out in the baby bond, your partner can help you spend more time with your child(ren).  If you're feeling left out of your partner relationship, your partner would love to know that and will want to work with you to be there for you.  The longer you ignore these feelings and try to push them away the worse they will get.

Peace,

Best. Job. Ever.

Just like any other young person, I used be asked the age old questions, "What are you going to do with your life? What do you want to be when you grow up?" To which I would answer something different every couple of months. I wanted to be a surgeon, a lawyer, or the President when I was a kid. Then, when I discovered those jobs weren't going to happen or seemed to be a bad fit for me, I was baffled. I wanted to do something I loved, but I didn't know what I loved to do. I kept telling myself I had plenty of time to decide, and so I started college as an Undeclared major. I didn't pick a major until my 2nd year. At one point, I wanted to be a psychologist. But I just couldn't commit to all that school. Then, I thought I wanted to be a teacher, but I had just finished getting my B.A. in Psychology and I was not about to go right back in for anything. I knew what I didn't want to do, and I didn't want to be a "housewife." I went to college, I had chosen a path that would lead to a career, I didn't want to do nothing! (See there? Ignorant.)

Young and carefree just after graduation.

So, after graduation, I'm still working as an Assistant Manager for a major retail store. Nice and non-committal, right? I had been with that company for 5 years. Then, we decide to get married and…surprise! Pregnant. The time I spent at home with my little girl, on maternity leave, I discovered something. I didn't want to leave. I didn't want to go back to work and put her in daycare. Ever.  WOW HAD I REALLY JUST DECIDED WHAT I WANT TO DO? Yes, I did.

Truly, the best.

I want to be mommy, 24 hours a day. There is nothing I would love more than to raise and mold this little girl into the wonderful woman I know she will be. Don't get me wrong, it is really hard. I can't afford to buy everything I want, and we had to do a lot of sacrificing in the budget department. I get burned out, too. There are days when I just want to run away for a while and forget I have someone SO dependant on me. But then, I just look at her and remember that I get to look at this pretty face all day long. In her face, I see my future. I see finger painting on the dining table, making cookies with mommy in the kitchen, taking naps together in mommy's bed, and playing in the sprinkler in the backyard. To me, that sounds like the best job in world. 

Sweet baby Olive

Are you a stay-at-home mama/papa? If so, what made you want to stay home with the kids? If you went back to work (or plan to), did you choose to or was it a necessity?